Exploding Like a Supernova

Things don’t always go as planned. I need to keep that idea in my head. Now although it may be quite frustrating and overwhelming to keep on going and trying. I don’t actually have a choice to just stop. That may sounds strange but its the truth. I can’t just give up. Because every time that thought pops into my head i see flashes of my life…of what could be compared to what is. I can either settle for less and join the ranks of society or i could go on my own path, my own journey and whatever it is that i please. I wish i was one of those people that could blend in and accept what they have a not ask for more, but im not. I can’t live with what i have. I need more. I need to find that sensation of overwhelming happiness and freedom. those moments where i appreciate every beat my heart takes and that moment where i realize life is worth living. i need to help others, give everything i have to those less fortunate. i need to not be where i am, and i need to be in that place where i am that person who is successful, grateful and free. i feel caged and thats the saddest feeling of all. ive tried many times to redo my life and start fresh. ive written posts, started numerous journal entries, re arranged my surroundings and nothing. Absolutley nothing has changed. I’m just getting older and my time is getting shorter, thats the only thing that has progressed. i can no longer live like this. so maybe starting again isnt the answer. maybe taking action is. maybe i dont need to change everything just yet, maybe all i have to do is work with what i have, utilize every bit of it and hope i get lucky enough. just maybe…things will start falling into place and then i can say my life is where it should be. 

i also have this thought and it scares me to death. i have the idea of settling and going about life just like everyone else does. wearing what they wear, going to work, trying to always save more money, stressing about what assignment or bill to pay, worrying about what they thought of me…you get the picture. then all of these average type things just blend into one, and they blend so much they create a dull lifeless image. an image where i am miserable, and wasting away the precious days i was given. wasting every inch of hope i ever had. burying every single dream i ever had, locking away all of my goals, burning my bucket list and forever falling into the trap so many fall into. that thought scares me. like i said being caged is the saddest feeling of all. and i never ever want to feel that feeling ever ever again. instead i want to see adventures, laughter, happiness, life at its best and most precious moment.

this may all be pointless and may not make sense, but its a way for me to move on. move on from the person i was 5 minutes ago. because i looked at my reflection and saw that image i previously explained to you and i buried it deep deep within.  locked away forever. because i can’t be that person. its genetically impossible. instead all i can be is me. and it turns out im a free spirit….its like this freedom is encoded within every single DNA cell in my body. and you can’t fight whats genetic, so i wont fight this.

-im succeeding this time.